As the “Storm of a lifetime” bears down on the state of North Carolina, questions are being raised about the motives behind the storm, and the decision taken by The Lord God to wreak such devastation on a state that considers itself His ally.
In the wake of past natural disasters, representatives of God have frequently proclaimed them an expression of His wrath for sins such as abortion, gay marriage, the existence of transgender people, etc.
Which is leaving North Carolina with a growing feeling of betrayal.
“We’ve spent all this time,” the State said desperately, “gerrymandering a right-wing supermajority in our legislature. We thought our efforts to ban those evil transgenders from public bathrooms, our constant protests at abortion clinics put us on His side.”
“I mean, come ON!” North Carolina said, stamping it’s foot. “We love a good hurricane party as much as the next state, but this is over the top.”
At this point in the interview, South Carolina and Virginia both interrupted. “We just want to be clear,” the states said jointly, “that we do not love, desire, or in any way condone these reckless so-called ‘hurricane parties’ our neighbor state is referring to, and we will not be participating in the massive one currently cranking up. In fact we’d appreciate it if NC would keep the noise down.”
But North Carolina wasn’t finished. The State raised a fist and shouted up toward the sky, “I mean REALLY!!!” it bellowed, “First Billy Graham and now THIS??”
“YOU LEFT US WITH ONLY FRANKLIN!!! How were we to know? We gave up our beloved ACC basketball tournament to keep those nasty trans people out of our wimmins lady’s room… that’s gotta be bigger than anything the Catholics have EVER given up for Lent…”
Finally, the State crumpled onto the floor in tears, saying “We even voted for Trump because the evangelicals told us to!”
As her State lay sobbing on the floor a resident – whose face could barely be seen over shopping bags containing 12 gallons of milk, 15 loaves of bread, and 23 bottles of various spirits from the local ABC store – struck a defiant tone.
“You know what?” she said with a cigarette in her teeth, “when I was a kid we used to say the sky was Carolina Blue cuz God was a Tarheel. But now I’m not so sure. I think its cuz he’s one o’ them damn Democrats!”
At this point, the State let out a wail and curled up into a fetal position.
“That’s what them damn folks oughta be investigating,” the resident continued, “staid o’ this stupid Russia nonsense. That right there,” she said pointing to the last sliver of blue sky as storm clouds rolled in, “is the biggest illegal campaign contribution in history!”
–P2P, reporting from North Carolina