Proselytizers Will Be Eaten


Last night I made a quick trip to my neighborhood grocery store. Mostly I was bored, tired of scrolling the Netflix offerings and looking for an excuse for a bottle of wine and a date with Redbox. Classic Pandemic Blues.

(1- it was late on a Sunday when the store wouldn’t be crowded and I could easily maintain 6 feet of distance. 2- its half a block from my house and all I’ve got. I know all the cashiers by name, have given them rides home before all this… I take every precaution when going there)

Anyway, lo and behold, despite all predictions to the contrary, my local Food Lion had actual food on the shelves. Even a few things in the meat department that were MARKED DOWN (::swoon::)… so I was happily shopping, keeping my distance, touching only what I had to in order to buy stuff, when IT happened…

I turned a corner and saw a well dressed couple also shopping. The husband was in a suit and looked damn familiar on first glance. (Confession: I think 70% or more of random strangers are someone I used to know until I stare awkwardly for 3-5minutes to determine that no, this person looks absolutely nothing like my friend/family member/high school acquaintance/ random intoxicated almost-hookup/ former coworker. It’s an issue.)

Well in this instance I stared long enough to be noticed, which has frequently caused problems in the past. This time it (initially at least) just resulted in a mutual polite smile, nod and basic howyadoingoodhowareyoufinethanks friendly social greeting, at the proper distance in the Age of Quarantine.

If only it had ended there.

Apparently our newfound friendship was deep enough to cause this man serious concern for my soul and become burdened with the responsibility of Saving it. (Amen and hallelujah!) He reached into his unsanitized pocket, pulled out a pack of business-sized cards which he palmed and shuffled without benefit of Purell, and fished one out to offer towards me along with the beginnings of a “perhaps you’d like to join us at…”

Aw. HELL naw.

1, I am not relinquishing my 6.5ft radius of isolation to take a card you been carrying loose in your pants pocket for who-knows-how-long. And 2, naw we ain’t close enough to discuss me attending a CHURCH SERVICE that will be packed with non-distancing people I ain’t never met. This is a pandemic, bitch. If your God were all you claim we wouldn’t be in this mess to start with. Like, y’all still over there claiming the guy who 2 weeks ago thought this was a “Democrat hoax” and 2 years ago fired the pandemic specialistsat Homeland, is somehow “God’s chosen leader.

Anyway, as soon as he started talking my shields automatically deployed to Max strength (thank you, Scotty) and I interrupted him with a very firm NO, THANK YOU. Thus began my first attempt to move on. But No. The Evangelist wasn’t letting me off that easy. He deploys the “God bless you, sister” crap, which insinuates I’m under the power of his God whether I “realize” it or not.

Again. Aw HELLS naw.

I interrupted again, and said Proud Pagan here. NOT interested. Again I turn to move on, thinking this was over, when I heard him say to his wife, “See? When people don’t love the lord-“

As my Mamaw would’ve said, that shit flew all over me. I turned and I interrupted him yet again saying, “that would be about like going back to my ex husband!” (I am happily married btw… it was a point…)

Asshole (for that is now his name) then says, “oh! Does he love the Lord? He sounds good I like him.” To which I replied, “No. My ABUSIVE ex husband.”

Asshole then informs me “That’s just wrong. That ain’t right.” To which I replied, no. It is EXACTLY. THE. SAME. THING.

At this point I moved on because about one more word in this current stresspocalypse we are living in and I’d have been in his face, the wife woulda jumped in, and I’d have been mugshotted AND banned from my closest/most comfortable grocery store.

Now ain’t the time, people. Keep your non -sanitized church invites to yourself – y’all not supposed to be having more than 10 people at your services at once, so why in the name of MY Gods are you inviting me anyway???

I got shit for an immune system and high blood pressure. I ain’t gettin within 6 feet of ANYONE unless I lose my shit and am attempting to kick your ass. You may win, but imma do some damage. So just stay back like the CDC says.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

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