When the Christian types accuse Pagans of devil-worshiping, we generally reply that not only do we not worship him we don’t even believe in him. But I think this week I’ve discovered him.
Here’s my logic.
The whole basis for my path is nature. I love nature. I love being out in the woods, hearing the birds and the squirrels (I especially love squirrels). Smelling the flowers. And trees – perhaps that’s one reason I was drawn to a Celtic version of paganism, because I just love trees so much.
But I live in the South. And we have something here that I’m just positive the Druids never had to deal with. It’s called the longleaf pine tree, and it does not exist in Ireland, England, Scotland or any other Celtic territories. It is the ugliest tree ever grown and it’s the only tree I have never liked. Because it’s just not pretty. It’s sticky and scraggly looking. Worst of all, about this time of year, it produces this:
See those big yellow buds? That, my friends is Satan himself. Also known as pollen.
This crap blows in the wind like snow. It blankets everything outside in a layer of dust that makes it look like a yellow volcano erupted. You get in the car in the morning and turn on the windshield wipers because you can’t SEE through the quarter-inch of it that accumulated overnight. Meanwhile still more of it keeps raining down.
And guess what? Oh the irony for a tree-hugging pagan: I’m allergic to it.
So I’ve spent nearly a week laying around asking for someone in my family to shoot me and put me out of my misery (surprisingly I get no takers on that offer). I FINALLY am able to get up and around after my tendon injury, FINALLY could go into the woods just a bit… but NOPE. I’m stuck in bed unable to breathe.
See? This yellow dust is not only making my life miserable, it’s preventing me from connecting with nature. I have been trained for the last 20 years or so by the Christian church that anything causing this much pain and inconvenience MUST be a Satanic plot. So therefore, pollen is the devil. And since Paganism is about nature – well, there you have it. Pollen must be Paganism’s Devil.
Interestingly, tho… pollen is necessary for Nature to exist. It’s basically plant sperm, right? Can’t reproduce without it. Know what else? The Christian Church could not exist without Satan.
First off, without Satan Christians would have nobody to blame shit on. Everything from cancer to the rude cashier to car trouble to stress to those pesky homosexuals – Satan did it ALL. In fact, were I still a Christian I guarantee someone would have told me by now that my tendon injury was nothing but the devil trying to keep me out of church. Had nothing to do with the fact that I tried to run on an ankle already suffering from tendinitis. Nope. Satan did it. (I’d have been tempted to believe them because it sure hurt like Hell. Get it?? Badum-pum…)
Secondly, without Satan and his evil domain Christians would have nowhere to condemn the rest of us sinners to. Nor could they claim that anyone who disagrees with them was merely “deceived by Satan.” They might have to actually think through reasoned arguments about stuff and/or accept some diversity in thought around them. Hell on Earth for sure.
But the biggest reason the Church wouldn’t exist without Satan is that … well why would it need to? If there was no Satan to scare us and the possibility of an eternity burning in unquenchable fires hardly anyone would want to be a Christian. Sure there would be a few goody-goody’s that just wanted to feel superior to the rest of us, and tell us all how wicked we all are. But so what? Yeah sure the idea of an eternal reward for being good sounds nice. But I’m in marketing. Humans don’t change behavior just for a carrot. The carrot may keep you there once you’ve made a move, but you won’t move without a stick.
So just like pollen is pretty crucial to the survival of everything in nature, Satan is crucial to the existence of Christianity. They should have a Satan appreciation day once a year or so. Thank the guy, you know? Instead of “Jesus is the reason for the season” their bumper stickers should say “Satan is the reason for everything.” That would be a lot more realistic, huh?